Thursday 23 August 2012

The Whole Apple Pie Story

I guess it all started about three years ago. If I remember correctly, which I may not, I was sitting in my oldest mate Jess Greens (shout out to Jess green, hit him up on facebook or twitter @Megatherion1991) bedroom (no homo). It was me, Jess, my ex-girlfriend and Jacob Lee (no shout outs for Jay, you probably know him already). We all had a few drinks, so I decided to tell a story.


And it went a little something like this:


"One day I was relaxing in my room, just playing some x-box. When my mum, whom had just got home from her adventures outside, knocked on my bedroom door, which stood for are you wanking?" "No" I yelled, so she opened the door, walked in and left a McDonald's bag on the foot of the bed and walked out. The opened the bag and stuck my face inside, the beautiful scent of chip fat and gherkin wafted up and teased my nostrils. Confined inside the bag was a pack of beautiful golden chips, a Big Mac, with glistening sesame seeds sprinkled over the tasty bun like angel ashes, an apple pie and by the side of the bag, was a large sprite, which could quench the thirst of a thousand giants. I thought to myself, I could eat these chips of a beautiful golden nature, I could also eat this heaven sent Big Mac, I could then drink this hydrating large sprite, and the finally enjoy the baked goodness of the apple pie. Or I could FUCK THE APPLE PIE! I chose the latter. So I bit off the end, opened it up and stuck my dick inside. Now I said I fucked the apple pie, it was more of a wank, with an apple pie on my penis.
Five seconds in, it felt wonderful.
Ten seconds in, it started feeling uncomfortable.
Fifth-teen seconds in and my penis was burning.
Now, I don't know if you have seen the warning sign on McDonald's apple pies of "Caution:Very Hot". But I like to think they are there to stop people like me from burning their knobs. I spent the next five minutes pacing up and down my room in excruciating pain. Before deciding to eat my Big Mac, my chips and my crumbling terrified tearful apple pie. I then ran out of my house and got the 84 bus to Barnet AandE, to have my penis checked out. The doctor asked what had happened, I came out with the excuse, that I was home alone, therefore not needing to wear clothing, and spilled some boiling water on my penis, while in the process of  making a cup of tea. Then they ironically gave me a cream for it."

I hope you savoured every last morsel of that story as it will be the last time you get it out of me.

I received an unrivalled rush the first time I told this story, I looked at the gleeful expressions on my friends faces, as they burst into fits of laughter. Then for the first time in my life it dawned on me, with this story I could somewhat control when people laughed at me.

I would then "accidentally" mention this story and would be "forced" to tell the "infamous" apple pie story, to every new person I met. I soon started becoming friends with people directly from this story. I went from a depressive, socially awkward, self hating weird, into someone I could market myself as, to form relationships with people. Knowing fully well that I was playing an outlandish character, who has never really resembled me in anyway.

The truth is, there was never any apple pie. I was put on the spot three years ago in Jess' room and I made it up. I never thought it would have done this much in the way of changing my life. As corny as it sounds, it has gave me a confidence that I have never had before.


As a result of the story I have met so many new people, have been given a slightly inappropriate pet name and have managed to cause a girl in a different country to go mental. It's been a fun few years, but I think its time to go back to the shitty horror film connoisseur, George of old.


I guess what I am trying to say is you get more friends by fucking apple pies, than you do with honey.



 

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